From Mexico, with Love pt. 2

Thoughts on people pleasing, self-preservation and putting your needs first

As a Black woman, self-care is truly radical.

Since the beginning of time, Black women have been conditioned to heal, motivate, nurture, protect and shrink themselves for others. Society loves to blame Black women’s common heart and health conditions on our diet, but I’m convinced the societal weight we carry weighs on our bodies so much more than food.

Even while at a wellness retreat, I have struggled to put my needs first. I have found myself sluggishly attending back-to-back yoga classes, workshops and communal meals, when all I wanted was some alone time to download and reflect. Was anyone forcing me to go to all of these classes, discussions and meals? No. So, why did I? I think at the root of it was my people-pleasing tendencies. I felt like I had to attend everything. After all, we all flew here to Mexico to be in community and be reborn together, right?

But last night, it hit me. My main intention for traveling all this way was not to please others or even make new friends (that’d be a nice bonus!) It was to get to know myself more. It was to advocate for myself and my needs. It was to spend more alone time and tend to my temple. I wanted to embrace ease, regulate my nervous system, nurture my womb and be still. So why I haven’t I prioritized that in this space?

I think no matter where I am, whether I’m at home in New Orleans, at work in Baton Rouge or all the way in Mexico at a retreat, I will repeat the same patterns of people-pleasing and doing what I feel I’m “supposed” to do until I finally master the lesson.

So today, I skipped the scheduled morning yoga class and finally listened to what I felt called to do. It was simple: I wanted to walk on the beach alone, journal and then come right here to this safe space (my Substack) and write as long as I felt called to. And I did just that. I walked down a little wooden ladder from the villa onto the beach and stepped one foot in front of the other as waves washed over my semi-fresh French manicured toes. Surrounding my feet were little crabs scurrying away in their shell homes. Beautiful white birds stood tall looking out over the water, probably hunting for food. The sun beamed on my back waking me up, reminding me it was morning.

Suddenly, my inner child came through and told me to look for seashells. It was a nod to my childhood when I looked for pretty rocks in Colorado. My mom always reminds me of how she used to hear banging in the washer and dryer, just to pull out my clothes and find rocks in my pockets. So, naturally, little Cynthea was so happy to find multi-colored seashells scattered across my path.

As I went seashell picking, I began to sing. Part of me started to quiet my voice in fear of anyone hearing me. Then, I hushed those limiting beliefs and continued singing at normal volume.

“The tide is high but I’m holding on, I’m gonna be your number one. Numberrrr oneeee.” I sang.

Then another song popped into my head: “Praise Jah in the Moonlight” by YG Marley.

I played it on repeat, while I praised Jah in the sunlight, thanking God for this precious moment. It was soft, slow, not timed, not for anyone else but me. And that’s all I needed. I was content. I am content.

What did I learn from this moment? It is imperative, especially as Black women, to do what you feel called to do. Preserve your peace at all costs. Dismiss the ideas of what you’re “supposed” to do or what you think others would appreciate. Do what your heart, mind, body and soul needs most in that moment. When you are breathing your last breaths on this Earth, do you want to look back and think of all the times you made yourself uncomfortable for others? Or do you want to think of how happy you made yourself? For me, I want the latter.

I want to look back at my life and think, wow. I really prioritized mental and physical health in this lifetime. I did something my ancestors didn’t or couldn’t do: I put me first. I filled my cup. I got still and listened to the deepest desires of my soul and fell deeper in love with myself. When the end of my life arrives, I want to know with every fiber in my being, I did all that I could to treat myself like the love of my life. Because I am.